By Leighana Martindale

For each of us, the need to set firm personal boundaries can be triggered by many different scenarios, both at work and at home.

As awkward as many of us feel enforcing them, boundaries are essential to our mental health. Too often we get tired and worn out from over-committing and then feeling guilting when we do take time for ourselves or finally articulate those boundaries.

In order to protect our energies, minds, and our hearts, we need to remember that it’s okay to need time for yourself, it’s perfectly reasonable to want or not want something and it is most certainly okay to set boundaries no matter what your reasons might be!

Recognizing challenges

I have a hard time saying no. That’s partly why I’ve written this. I have a hard time not helping people, not solving issues, and with feeling obligated to say yes to everyone who invites me out. If I do say no, I often feel guilty about it.

I’ve recognized myself needing to hear that “it’s okay”, needing to hear the words, and being “given permission”. So, I’m going to give myself permission to set limits and to let it be — I am also encouraging you to give yourself permission to set healthy boundaries for yourself.

At the end of the day, we all have our limits and we all need to respect the fact that other people will feel differently from us. That’s all good, but before we can get to this place of clearly communicating comfort levels, we need to identify and respect our own limits.

Let’s revisit this sense of guilt many of us feel when we have to tell people that they’ve crossed a line or when we clearly draw the line in the proverbial sand. Where does this sense of guilt come from? Asking why you feel this way could help you change that emotion to a more positive one.

For me, it is my need to please others, the need to be “liked” and to be perceived the clever or reliable one. This is where my personal guilt comes from. Especially when I worry that by saying “No” I am letting others down — when that simply is just not true!

We are supposed to take time for ourselves! We are supposed to honor our boundaries and allow ourselves the time, space, and freedom to explore, to relax, to do whatever it is that sets our souls on fire with passion!

IT IS OUR JOB TO MAKES OURSELVES HAPPY.

We can only do that if we take the time, space, and freedom we need. And we can only do that when we set boundaries.

On the other hand, when we don’t uphold and respect our own boundaries, we end up feeling overwhelmed, triggered, upset and angry with ourselves and potentially others. So when we don’t allow ourselves that time, space, and freedom we deny ourselves happiness which affects not just our lives, but those who are also closest with us. This is easier said than done, but the potential repercussions of not not speaking up are far too great. Along with anger, frustration, and anxiety we run the risk of damaging relationships we have with loved ones, potential loved ones, and even the relationship we have with our highest self. When we deny our authentic self the boundaries we need to heal and grow then we miss out on the opportunities of a lifetime; We miss out on living our most authentic lives.

So how do we work on setting these boundaries for ourselves so we can connect with the highest version of ourselves?

Here are 5 Suggestions to Support You in Setting Healthy Boundaries

1. BE CLEAR ABOUT WHY YOU ARE SETTING BOUNDARIES AND WHAT EXACTLY IT IS YOU WANT

Set them for your own wellbeing and health, not out of the desire to control others. Ask yourself: Is this a healthy boundary or a toxic boundary? Are you doing this for your highest self or is this a fear-based and egotistical boundary? Why are you setting this boundary? How will it help you? Why is it necessary? When we have the clarity of knowing why we are setting a boundary and what exactly it is we want then we have the power to honor that boundary.

2. SET BOUNDARIES WHEN YOU HAVE EMOTIONAL CLARITY

Setting boundaries when we are upset and/or hurt can lead to us acting out of pain or fear which can lead to an unhealthy or aggressive boundary. When we are hurt we can lash out at others or get very upset, but when setting boundaries it is important to do so in a state of clarity and with love. Boundaries should be set with positive intention and come from a place of needing to honor yourself.

3. MAINTAIN A POSITIVE POINT OF VIEW AND ATTITUDE

This is not always easy and sometimes the limits we put in place will face resistance, but it is important to keep that positive and balanced mentality. When we know these boundaries are not set maliciously but are put in place to protect ourselves and allow growth then we can switch from resistance to acceptance and allow ourselves to vibe and flow when others cross the boundaries we set.

4. BE DIRECT AND DON’T APOLOGIZE FOR YOUR NEEDS

You can do it! It sure as hell won’t be easy but you can do it! Stand tall and confident in your boundaries, be vocal when people cross them, and know that you do not have to apologize for setting them. If people do not want to respect them, that is their problem and tells you everything you need to know about them.

5. SETTING BOUNDARIES IS AN ONGOING PROCESS

It’s important to acknowledge that this will require constant upkeep and maintenance, and that’s okay. Once your boundaries are set, you will have to make sure they are being respected and upheld. You will have to consistently reaffirm your boundaries and take the space you need to honor them and yourself.

Strategies to use When People Push you Too far

RETREAT FROM REACTION

When your boundaries are crossed it can feel upsetting, painful, and enraging even. It is so important to retreat from a reaction at the moment and allow ourselves to seek clarity. Some of our boundaries can be very emotional and when they are crossed we get triggered and fearful — this can be an especially difficult moment to seek clarity, but I promise you can do so by breathing and shifting your mentality.

BREATHE AND SHIFT

Breathe through feelings of discomfort and shift your mentality until those feelings of discomfort begin to shift and lose their toxic power. Empower yourself to activate positive thoughts instead. Breathing is the number one way to take control of our minds and our thoughts. There are various techniques that can help with this mindset shift but these are my favorite: Kundalini Breathwork, Wim Hof technique, and Diaphragmatic breathing aka belly breathing.

While practicing intentional breathwork, clear your head and aim to reach a state of calmness, then think back on your initial reactive feelings and begin to shift them from pain to empowerment. Recognize that at the end of the day it is beyond amazing and beyond empowering that YOU are honoring your own boundaries, that you are holding people accountable and taking the space you need.

STAND FIRM

Continue to respect your limits by restating them and asking the boundary crosser to respect them. There is a way to do this from a place of love and clarity that allows you to communicate openly and healthfuly. Communication is the most important part of human connection and something we all need to work on, and when we do have clear communication we can have clear boundaries and all feel much more respected and safe.

USE AFFIRMATIONS

If you get pushback, it’s okay! It’s honestly bound to happen at some point. Just take that and make a mental note, when people get upset with our boundaries that tell us about them and the type of person they are. It doesn’t however make the entire situation feel better or go away, so use affirmations to help your mindset.

10 AFFIRMATIONS FOR WHEN YOUR BOUNDARIES ARE CROSSED:

• Other people’s emotions are not my responsibility

• Boundaries are healthy

• My boundaries are healthy and necessary

• I trust my intuition

• Setting boundaries is a way to care of myself

• Setting boundaries does not make me mean, selfish, or uncaring

• Setting boundaries allows me to care about myself too

• My boundaries are worthy of respect

• I am not responsible for other peoples emotions

• I am responsible for respecting and upholding my boundaries and the people’s in my life